Wrigley Field's Dirty Secrets
Blowing the lid on the Tribune Company's
Baseball fans throughout America love Wrigley
Field. Everyone has seen the picture postcards so neatly interwoven into
the Tribune Company's daily telecast of the Flubs' latest misadventures.
The view of the skyline, the boats on Lake Michigan, the passing "el"
trains, the fans on the roof tops, the guy inside the hand-operated scoreboard
watching the game -- all summed up in one catchy phrase -- "beautiful
It's enough to give a Sox fan hives.
No question within the blinding spell of Cubs
fandom lurks evil. Everyone knows losing
ain't cute, but try telling that to a Cubs fan. Most Cubs fans are
blithering idiots. They know nothing of winning baseball, nor do they much
care. The game on the field rates no better than the #3 or #4 reason for
attending games, and amongst the bleacherites, might not rank in the
top-ten. For them it's beer, broads, and sunshine -- in that order.
Still baseball fans from coast to coast see
these pretty images beamed into their living rooms and buy into the myth about
Wrigley Field and all its storied traditions with Chip Caray as the principal
shill for the Tribune's baseball club division.
So it's with great pleasure we now pop Chip's
bubble, trash the Tribune's temple, and proudly declare, "The emperor has
no clothes!" There are dirty secrets at the core of the Wrigley
Myth. Sox fans, lets gore this sacred cow and make ourselves some tasty
Dirty Secret #1: Wrigley
Field's Neighborhood has more crime than Comiskey's.
That's no typo -- it's the truth as reported in
Chicago police crime statistics. Since opening day, the area around
Comiskey has reported just four serious crimes compared with twenty-five around
Wrigley. Only a rube would fail to understand how Wrigley's neighborhood
encourages trouble. In every direction surrounding the ballpark are an
endless series of buildings and alleys for drunks and troublemakers to linger
amongst and cause trouble with fans and pedestrians alike. Meanwhile
Comiskey's parking lots serve hardly more than their intended purpose:
providing safe convenient access to White Sox baseball. Comiskey is
dangerous? Get a clue -- only a simpleton wouldn't know Wrigley is where
the real danger lurks.
Dirty Secret #2: Wrigley's
old traditions aren't so old.
Has any Wrigley tradition been copied more than
the old hand-operated scoreboard or the outfield ivy? Though most Cubs
fans can tell you theirs is the oldest park in the National League, few if any
admit the scoreboard and ivy are relatively new additions to Wrigley
Field. The current outfield seating was constructed in the 1940's,
including the "old" scoreboard and original ivy. Both of these
were the ideas of Bill Veeck, future owner of the Cleveland Indians, St. Louis
Browns, and most famously, the Chicago White Sox (twice). He was smart
enough to know his talent was hopelessly wasted in the Cubs front office and
left to pursue bigger and better things.
Veeck went on to invent the exploding
scoreboard, the picnic area, the bullpen bar, the outfield showerhead, and
countless more innovations for Comiskey Park -- home of our Sox. It was
his idea too, back in the mid-1970's to give Harry Caray a microphone and lead
the singing during the seventh inning stretch at Old Comiskey.
Now legions of blithering idiots wearing Cubs
caps think it's their tradition. Each day they stand and sing along with
an endless stream of has-been "celebrities" (like the tired and
overweight Tony Orlando) or mindless jocks (like the tired and mediocre Eddie
Olcyk), making a macabre scene only the Tribune Company's accountants could
love. Have they no shame?
Dirty Secret #3: Those
aren't homerun balls Cubs fans throw back.
Ha Ha! People from Iowa can be so
dumb. They honestly think the wise guys sitting in Wrigley's outfield are
throwing back homerun balls hit off Cubs pitching. What these rubes (and
ignorant fans around the country) don't realize is that Wrigley's bleacher bums
bring extra balls to the ballpark to fool you. They pocket the real ball
and throw back one of their worthless ones. If someone else catches the
homerun baseball, they offer their worthless one in trade. Finally, if
some silly do-gooder catches the homerun ball (in Chicago politics they are
known as "goo-goos" -- someone not on the take), they simply toss
their own ball onto the field, giving every simpleton in America the illusion
that the homerun ball was thrown back.
Come on America, don't be such fools!
This is Chicago!!! If we can fix a courtroom (or a World Series), don't
you think we can play a charade with a silly homerun ball? Sheesh...
Dirty Secret #4: Cubs
fans don't wash their hands -- for good reason.
The Tribune's WGN-TV loves to show beautiful
half-dressed ladies amongst the crowd in Wrigley's bleachers. What they
hope no one knows about is the filthiness of the hands of the eligible guys
sitting around them. They're dirty for a good reason. Restroom
facilities at Wrigley are hopelessly crowded -- especially in the bleachers
where the heaviest drinking occurs. Rather than endure the pain of waiting
in the endless lines at Wrigley's urine troughs, the men's restroom sinks
provide quick relief. The sensible Cubs fan knows not to use the sinks,
but the ignorant ones do -- ick! As for the ones who don't wash their
hands, we know what their hands have been touching -- ick ick!!
So stop and think next time the Tribune
Company's TV cameras pander to your lustful heart. Would you really want
to meet a girl who willingly sits amongst (or worse, gets pawed by) such sloven
pigs? You degenerate you!
We at White Sox Interactive thought you should
know. Sox fans, our hands are clean!
a thought about
Wrigley's Dirty Secrets?
Can Put it on the Board -- Yes!