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In honor of actor Andy Garcia and his (unintentionally) hilarious reaction to Sofia (Mary Corleone) Coppola's death scene in "The Godfather, Part III."
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Posted 12-04-2010 at 01:14 PM by TommyJohn
Updated 05-29-2011 at 10:45 AM by TommyJohn

Opening Night, 2006. It was a festive occasion. The team was introduced as the World Champions and the unveiling of the championship banner was an emotional moment. Then, during the game, the heavens opened up and rained poured down. After a long delay, the game was concluded very late with only 3,000 people left in the stands.

3,000 see Sox win 10-4.
"We didn't think attendance would be this bad. We expected at least 5,000" unnamed Sox source tells Trib.

Morrissey: Will Sox draw a million fans?

Vanderberg: 1970 White Sox played opener in front of 12,000, went 56-106. I have a very bad feeling.
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CHUMPS: Sox dump two to Tribe
Sullivan: Where's your alleged champions now, stupid people?

Morrissey: This is still a Cubs town, you know. Really and truly. This is a Cubs town.

Vanderberg: 1918 White Sox started 1-2; fixed World Series of 1919, nearly ruined baseball, didn't win pennant for 40 years, came close to moving several times, gave up town to Cubs, didn't win Series for another 88 years, suffered through Depression, World War II, Assassinations of JFK, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, Iran Hostage Crisis, Disco Demolition, William Ligue, Terry Bevington...Somebody kill me now

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Dusty Baker: An American Hero
Dusty Baker, the Great American Manager of a Great American Team, poses with President Bush at Great American Ballpark.

"I'm so pleased to finally meet you. Congratulations on winning it all for Chicago last year, Mr. Guillen" says Prez

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I took time out from mocking the Trib to mock my un-favorite team in sports, the 1972 Miami Horse's Asses...errrrr...Dolphins.

Tigers, Brewers lose; last undefeated teams to go down

1972 Dolphins react with champagne party

Don Shula: "we had so much fun doing it during the football season, we decided to do it for baseball, too."

Bob Griese: "Yes! Still the only perfect team again! I'd root against my own kid if it came down to it!"

Larry Csonka: "Hell, I don't really need a reason to do this. I just like being a dick."
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Six year old Sox fan steps on crack, breaks Cub fan's back

39 year old White Sox fan Frank "Lug" Beergut watched with pride and
glee as his six year old son Frank, Jr. walked on a south side sidewalk
and jubilantly proclaimed "step on a crack, break a Cub fan's back!"
and proceeded to stomp down on several sidewalk cracks as hard as
his fat little feet would allow.

"I'm proud of him!" bellowed Beergut at the top of his voice. "I taught
him well! My boy is going to be a typical White Sox fan just like me!"
Beergut then proceeded to strip and stand shirtless in the rain.

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ACHTUNG!
Reinsdorf orders Sox to cut hair

Morrissey: Hitler, Stalin also demanded clean-shaven, short-haired men

Sullivan: Scruffy Sox recall Charles Manson

Downey: Clean-cut Sox recall Ted Bundy

Vanderberg: 1970 Sox cut hair, lost 106 games. I'm breaking out into a cold sweat here
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I posted this after a new tape surfaced featuring Osama bin Laden. So I imagined another great enemy of mankind emerging from hiding:

New Bartman tape surfaces
"They are waging war against me, but they'll never take me alive" says dork who cost the Cubs the 2003 World Series.

President Bush alerted

Our guest panel of experts weigh in:

Lester Munson: "Why isn't this bastard dead yet?"

Jay Mariotti: "When I see that Bartman, I'm going to Bartman him within an inch of his Bartman for doing that Bartman. And then I'll demand that he stop putting Mark Bartman, Kerry Bartman and Derrek Bartman on the Bartman List. Excuse me. I need a Bartman."

Rick Telander: "Has this creature no idea the suffering, pain, agony and torture he has inflicted upon me? I mean, we're not talking pestilence, war, famine, disease or mass murder. We're talking about something far more important. How can you all possibly go on with your lives when I'm feeling this way? Have you no sense of perspective?"
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Courageous fan ejected for telling truth
Fan with "Sox cheat" sign tossed by Fascist Forces

Last night, at US Whatever-you wanna-call-it Field (we're clever) a
fan held up a sign proclaiming the truth. Jerry Reinsdorf promptly
called forth his stormtroopers, who bodily ejected the brave soul
who only sought to tell it like it was. Would that Reinsdorf and his
Nazi thugs had been so vigilant with Number 1 White Sox fan William
Ligue!

full story, page 2

full review of Ligue attack, pages 3-9

Morrissey: White Sox bring back memories of Hitler's Germany, Stalin's Russia
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Trib Corrections Department

In today's early edition, the Trib ran a story of a fan getting ejected from US Cellular by
White Sox Security for holding up a "Sox cheat!" sign. The fan was actually ejected from
Anaheim Stadium by Angels Security. The Trib regrets the error. (Not really)

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Frank Sinatra: "Doobie-doobie-doo"
Freddy Garcia: "Where?"

Sox pitcher busted, tests positive for marijuana
Drug might have been purchased outside of Cell before Game 1 of 2005 ALDS

Morrissey: Sox franchise and fans forever sullied by illegal activity

Sullivan: Was Frank Thomas a user?

Father Andy Feeley: This settles it. White Sox and their fans are going to hell.

We scored a sample of Sox fans for their reactions:

William Ligue, World's Number 1 White Sox fan: "Go Freddy! If you need more, me and my fellow Sox fans will refer you to Red Redding. He can get you things!"

Craig Cannibis, Bridgeport: "Dude, like what's the big deal? We do it all the time."

Mary Jane McBong, Canaryville: Yeah! I knew Freddy was one of us!"

John Grass, Armour Square: "Dudes, like you reporter types are, like, way too square. Lighten up, man. Anybody got any Ding Dongs?"
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Breaking news: A drunk fan at Wrigley threw a ball at the head of outfielder Jacque Jones. The Trib spin department swung into action on this one, reporting that she was just following the "tradition" of tossing an opponent home run ball onto the field (never mind that the Cubs were shutting out the Nationals and a home run hadn't been hit).

Another Incident!
Drunken White Sox fan hurls ball at outfielder

Sullivan: This is ridiculous. Sox fans are the most disgusting lowlifes on earth

"The way we see it, it had to be a White Sox fan because a Cub fan would never do that" unidentified source tells Trib


More Inside:

White Sox fans: Is America safe?

A visit to William Ligue in Joliet

Tom Gamboa: where is he now?

Editorial: President Bush should forget the border, station National Guard around Cell
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Trib Corrections Dept.

In this morning's edition, the Trib incorrectly stated that a White Sox fan hurled a
baseball at an outfielder during a game at US Cellular. This incident did not happen
there, but allegedly occured at another park in a game against the Nationals. The
Trib regrets the error. (not really)
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