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In honor of actor Andy Garcia and his (unintentionally) hilarious reaction to Sofia (Mary Corleone) Coppola's death scene in "The Godfather, Part III."
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continuing...

Posted 12-04-2010 at 01:29 PM by TommyJohn
Updated 05-29-2011 at 10:45 AM by TommyJohn

Editorial: Woman was just following tradition

By now, you have all heard about the incident in which an overserved,
slightly tipsy woman threw a ball at Cub outfielder Jacque Jones. If so,
you most certainly haven't been reading this paper. There were the
usual cries of outrage, mostly from those nuts who root for another
team who believe that we would make hay of it had it happened at
another ballpark, but anybody who reads us knows that is not the
truth. They also mentioned that the woman was not arrested for her
deed.

Well, we have decided the reason for that. It is because she wasn't
aiming the ball at Jones with intent to hurt him. Oh sure, Jones has
been playing poorly of late, has made baserunning gaffes and has
been the target of boos and racial slurs from a fanbase that is tired
of losing, wants only to win, is clearly upset and frustrated and wants
their favorite team to win the World Series; because all Chicago
deserves one because we have waited so long and so patiently.

We say no, she didn't toss it out of frustration, but to follow that
grand and glorious Wrigley Field tradition of throwing the ball back
on the field after an opponent's home run. Granted, the Cubs were
winning 4-0, so no opponent home run had been hit. And granted,
Jones is a guy targeted by fans. But hey, coincidences happen, right?
Well, that's all this was. A coincidence. The woman was a little tipsy
and perhaps thought that a home run was hit, so she threw it. She
was a little confused! Cubbie fans act so cute when they're drunk,
unlike snarly, mean White Sox fan drunks who slap player's wives.
Now if that wasn't an assault with attempt to harm, I don't know
what was.

It is no surprise that she wanted to throw the ball back. After all,
it is a grand and glorious tradition that originated in Wrigley Field,
where all grand and glorious baseball traditions started; such as the
7th inning stretch rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." The
woman wanted to be a part of baseball history and lend her own
contribution to the mystique of Wrigley Field. And who can blame
her? It truly is one of the Seven Wonders of the World, full of tradition.
Tradition is what it has. Tradition. It was just a part of the tradition.

______________________________________

This was a parody of a Paul Sullivan article written after the famous AJ-Barrett brawl. Sullivan spun Barrett's unprovoked punch into a story in which "agitator" AJ "had it coming."

Maddux assaults water cooler

Sullivan: Maddux has spirit. The cooler had it coming
The water cooler stood there, staring directly at Maddux. It just
acted too cool and calm. Maddux was in a frenzy, having given
up six runs. Who could blame him? He has plenty of spirit. Many
an opponent used to complain about the calm, cool water cooler
standing there, taunting endlessly, acting as if nothing at all was
going on. The water cooler is easily one of the worst agitators in all
of baseball. How dare it try to simply stand there and dispense
refreshing water when the Cubs are in such a funk? The final straw
came when the cooler bubbled with glee. Maddux, filled with spirit,
could take no more. He acted, and I for one am glad he did. I am tired
of water coolers and their "why me?" act. I'm tired of them giving
out just water, and so are a lot of other people. How about some
Gatorade once in a while?
_____________________________________

A.J. Acquitted
Fight instigator walks away with fine

Verdict "terrible blow to our Justice System!" yells Talking Head.

O.J. to A.J.: "Be strong. They got nothing on you."

A.J.: "I'm going to devote my life to finding the guy who really started that fight."
_____________________________________

AGAIN!
Fan runs out on field at CELL
Drunken moron collared by security as moronic crowd cheers him

Sullivan: I'm tired of you people! Grow up already! My God! I'm so frustrated I'm going to cry!

Zorn: Criminals run amok in Cell. Is Chicago safe?

McGrath Editorial: If only the White Sox would pack up and leave town, this wouldn't be an issue. How about it Jerry? Leave Chicago to its true team and greatest fans

A look back at Ligue, Dybas and all other incidents

Vanderberg: I remember Willie; A look back at Willie Harris, first White Sox fan to run on field and attack someone

Father Feeley: Jesus loves us all except low class, ethnic bleep White Sox fans
_____________________________________

Trib Corrections Department

Yesterday the Trib reported that a White Sox fan ran out on the field at the Cell and was
cheered by the crowd. It was brought to the editorial staff's attention that the White Sox
actually played in Toronto on that day. The incident that we reported as happening at the
Cell did not happen at all, anywhere. The Trib regrets the error. (Not really.)
_____________________________________

Back in 2006, Ozzie Guillen caused an uproar when he used a famous three letter slur for gays to describe Jay Mariotti. The jayster, who loves to insult the masculinity of athletes ("LaToya Hawkins" "Big Skirt" "Limp Ditka") cried to the world about the horrible Ozzie and what a meanie he was for picking on him. He still obsesses over the slur to this day. I chipped in my two cents:

Gay groups angered by Guillen's slur
"we are beyond offended that you are lumping Jay Mariotti with us. We don't want him" says GLAAD rep
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